


Dead like Me...

by Sevenwildwaysup



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Dead like Me..., Humor, M/M, Quirky-Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 12:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2228982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sevenwildwaysup/pseuds/Sevenwildwaysup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>End of Season One – Brian has a Date with Destiny. Or the Editing Room Floor...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dead like Me...

Title: Dead like Me...  
Story Type: AU  
Word Count: 2779  
Rating: NC-17  
Warnings: HUMOR 

Summary: End of Season One – Brian has a Date with Destiny. Or the Editing Room Floor...

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Dead like Me...**

Brian’s POV

“Hey, I’ve been waiting here for days.”

“Shut the fuck up, Kinney and get back in line or I’ll make you take a new number. Besides, it’s only been a couple of hours and we're back logged. There was an unscheduled pile-up on the freeway - drunk driver.”

“I don’t think I’m supposed to be here.”

“That’s for fucking sure. They should have just sent you straight to hell, but noooo. You’ll get processed like everyone else, so get your fucking whiskey and get back in line.”

“Fuck! This taste like piss. I only drink Beam.”

“Are you going to give me trouble, princess? You’ll drink what I give you. Just be glad I didn’t cum in it.”

“Maybe if you had I’d like it better.”

“One more crack, Kinney and it’s the end of the line for you.”

“I thought death was the end of the line.”

“Oh fuck no, this is just the beginning. Of eternity. Ha ha ha.”

“What was it I heard you say? ‘I’d rather spend eternity in hell than one good day with you’. You might want to think that one over, just in case he gives you that option.”

“He? He, who?”

“When was the last time you were in church? You know the building with all the stained glass windows, and the really tall narrow steeple. It’s so phallic, I would think you would like it. And some of those priests are hot. You are catholic. Right?”

“I don’t believe in organized religion.”

“Oh fuck, you’re going to be in there forever. Just do us all a favor and go to the end of the line, Kinney.”

~~~~

“Hey, aren’t you the guy I was behind when I first got here?”

“Yeah. It’s my job. You know, second-to end-of-the-line guy.”

“What?”

“You should have seen where they wanted to put me. I had to beg for this job. Granted it’s a ten-hour shift but only four days a week. Time goes by pretty fast and I get first look at all the newbies. Besides there’s always a line. They find it helps to calm the new arrivals and we can’t just have people walking right through the pearly gates.”

Brian shakes his head. “This is… this is just crazy. I’m just drunk. Where’s my Sunshine?”

“Your Sunshine? Oh yeah. I think I have his reservation for tomorrow night. Let me check.”

“Yep. Prom night, right? I have him down for 10:48 pm. No, wait. Looks like the EMS intervenes. Oh, here he is. 3:17 am. He suffers a major aneurysm and finally dies.”

“What the fuck?”

“You know you might want to clean up a little. You’re a mess, and maybe cover all those bruises and contusions around your neck. They’re gross. Now, where’s that beautiful scarf you had with you when you got here?”

“I need another drink.”

“Sure thing. I’ve got a joint if you want to smoke?”

“So you just hang out and party at the end of the line?”

“Basically. I’m here for you. You know, and those like us.”

“What! I’m sorry, I’m confused.”

“Most people when they first get here are still in shock and don’t usually say much. As they become more comfortable with their surroundings and come to accept their situation, they’re usually at the front of the line and prepared to talk with The Man.”

“Then there’s those like us. The ones who make it back to the end of the line, still adjusting, but slightly confused beginning the denial phase. Don’t worry, you’ll adjust with time. After the fourth or fifth time back it will seem like we’re old college roommates. It’s going to be great.”

“So this is like God’s waiting room?”

“See, you’re doing better already. Actually, if you just want to hang for a while, that’s cool. You can watch TV over there. I think he’s on Showtime, right? Or is it Logo now?”

I take him up on his offer to smoke a joint and watch a little TV until I figure out where the fuck I am. It kind of reminds of the old bowling alley my dad used to take me to. All the old wooden paneling and the bar with frosted glass panels, glass block window walls and linoleum floors. But the best part was the cloud of smoke that just hangs over the area in back, above the pool tables. Yeah, I think I like this place.

“Wow. We had a little rush there, but it should be pretty slow now until around midnight. Then when the bars close it gets crazy in here. You need another drink?”

“Yeah, I think so. So what’s going on, on the other side?”

“That’s basically the same as here, just another check-in station. Looks just like ours, except it’s been remodeled and it’s way cleaner. You know, where the beautiful people check in.”

Ok, I’m pretty stoned. I look at him and ask him his name. I mean if we’re going to be spending time together, we might as well get to know each other. He’s not bad looking. We kind of have a similar look, except that I have a better wardrobe and better hair.

“Oh, it’s Gale.”

“Gale? That’s so gay. Isn’t that a chick’s name? What’s wrong with your parents? They might as well have named you Sue.”

“Fuck you. I kind of like it. I’m embracing my feminine side.”

“Let’s see what’s on TV.” ‘Stayed tuned, up next, _Queer as Folk. Can you feel it._ ’”

“What the fuck is this?”

“Life’s a sitcom but with you and your Sunshine it’s mostly drama. Or should I say drama queens. God, he is hot, isn’t he?”

“Stop looking at him like that.”

“I thought you didn’t do jealousy?”

“Fuck you. What did you mean by aneurysm?”

“You know. His brain stroked out.”

“He’s just a kid.”

“Yeah, with one big bad bump.”

“What? How?”

“I guess you’ll have to watch, since you decided to check out early.”

“That was an accident. I was just trying to get off. I didn’t know the chair would slip. It was an accident.”

“You might want to work on your story. You see, when the Big Guy sees you swinging by your neck with your eyes bugged out, all he sees is suicide.”

“No, that’s not right. This was never part of the plan.”

“You had a plan? I just assumed it was your obsessive need for self-gratification.”

“This is totally fucked up. So how did you get here?”

“Mine was an accident too. I had some stupid fight with my twink and stormed out. It was raining and the pavement was slick. I drove my motorcycle into a brick wall. I swear I never saw it. It was an accident but the Big Guy didn’t buy it.”

~~~~

“Hey there, Sonny Boy.”

I look up and see my dad dressed as a train conductor. He says, “I’ll just need to see your tickets.”

“What? I don’t have one.”

“Sure you do, boy. Didn’t you take a number when you came in?”

“Oh that. Yeah, it’s 95,687”

“And your other one?”

“What? I only have one.”

“You didn’t take another number when you came back to the end of the line?”

“No.”

“Well, go get one. Christ, college degree and he can’t even get with the program. Now let’s see 74,822,168. OK, now hold on to both of those. You never know when he’s going to call your number. It’s not like it’s sequential.”

~~~~

“Brian, think of it this way. The longer you’re here the more numbers you get, the better your chances of getting an appointment.”

“That makes no sense at all. The line is useless because even if you get to the front you still have to wait for your number to be called, out of sequence.”

“I don’t make the rules. But I think the line is just to give them a sense of order and help them feel like they’re moving forward. Otherwise they’d all be milling all over the place, making a mess that I’d have to clean up. So do you have an attorney yet? I know you’re being charged with suicide, but I heard that they’re thinking of charging you with the bashing as well.”

“What? I don’t understand.”

“Brian, you have to pay for your sins. Now I’m sure they’ll take into consideration the fact that you do actually love him. But you’ll have to say it out loud.”

“Who am I meeting with? You said ‘they.’”

“Who do you think? God, of course. But I understand your confusion. There’s actually a panel of three: Dan, Ron and Tony.”

“Now when you get to your audition try not to stumble on your lines. Don’t talk about re-writes. They hate prima donnas and lose the attitude. And for Christ sakes keep that scarf up round your neck. You don’t want to go to detention. Now try and get it on the first take. Oh, commercial over.”

_Previously on Queer as Folk._

“God, did you really tell him you didn’t love him? Wouldn’t remember him? Wouldn’t remember his name? You really are a bastard. No wonder he leaves you at the end of Season Five. You might pray that the show gets canceled before then.”

“Shut up. I’m trying to watch.”

 _Everyone’s sitting around Deb’s kitchen table with somber faces._

_“Poor Brian. Poor Sunshine. I can’t believe he was the one to find him last night. He’s a total mess. I understand that Jennifer’s encouraging him to go to his prom as a way of celebrating his love for Brian. Daphne said that Sunshine found a tuxedo and a beautiful deep burgundy shirt with matching tie all laid out for tonight. She’s worried about him being alone, afraid of what he might do. Daphne’s been incredible. So supportive, she’d do anything for Justin.”_

“Turn it off, turn it off.”

“What? We haven’t even got to the best part yet. Ok, Ok, I’ll turn it off. Are you Ok? You want another drink?”

“It’s Ok. It takes a while to get used to the idea of death. It’s too bad though. Now he’ll have to lay on that cold garage floor, all alone, without anyone to help him. They won’t even find him for almost half an hour.”

“It’s too bad you actually saved his life in the original script, but now they have to do re-writes. I told you they hate re-writes. You might want to work on your defense, get your alibi down and firm up your testimony.” 

“I feel sick.”

“I bet you do, princess. Now don’t give them that ‘I don’t believe in love, I only believe in fucking’ line either. They wrote that, and they never intended for you to continue to use it over the last decade. It was just something you were supposed to tell Michael so you wouldn't have to fuck him. Although I am impressed with how much passion and intensity you bring to the role. You’re a real asshole. I’ve never seen anyone play a cold-hearted bastard as well as you.”

“Hey, we’re talking about my life here?”

“I’m sorry. Didn’t you get the memo? You’re dead.”

“But it’s the end of the season so you have some time to plead your case. Here’s your acting coach now.”

I look up. It’s Leda. 

“Christ, you look bad.”

“Yeah, motorcycle accident out on Highway One in California. Flew right off the side of the mountain, kind of like Thelma and Louise. I was actually the inspiration for that scene in the movie.”

“Ok, here’s my idea. We pitch them a whole new take on the show. How about a gay version of the Dick Van Dyke show? You can do screwball comedy. Right? And I think Justin will make a perfect Mary Tyler Moore character. You probably want to keep Mikey around so why not make him your son? Let’s write Ted and Emmett in as your kids too, like a crossover with My Three Sons. This is great because remember Fred McMurray had that male housekeeper.”

“Oh, I’m really liking this. I wonder if there’s any way we can work I Dream of Jeanie in here too. I can see Justin dressed in that belly dancer outfit. What do you think? Does that turn you on? Or maybe Bewitched? I’m thinking an amalgamation of all three - Mary, Jeanie and Sam. It’s perfect. Now let me see you stumble and roll over that ottoman.”

“I only do DRAMA.”

“Gale. He’s not even trying here. I’d send him to the back to the end of the line, but he’s already here.”

“Can I at least have another number?”

“Sure. What the fuck, why not?”

I pull the fucking tab and it says 0,000,001. Fuck, it’s not sequential.

~~~~

“You better get in line, Sonny Boy, you’re up next. Come here. Let me fix that fucking scarf. You know you should have gotten a haircut. Christ, you look just like a fucking faggot. Faded blue jeans, a black wife beater and white silk scarf. Don’t forget your stilettos and lipstick.”

“PRADA. PRADA. And its 100% natural lip balm with royal jelly from bees imported from South Africa.”

“Whatever, sweetheart. Just comb that precious head of hair of yours. And good luck, Sonny Boy. You don’t deserve to be here just yet. Oh, I know I wasn’t much of a father to you but I am proud of you. I could have done a lot worse. Hell, I could have got stuck with that Novotny boy. Total pansy. At least you got balls, son. Now go throw yourself on the court and beg for mercy.”

~~~~

“Raise your right hand and place your left hand on the bible.” I do as I’m told but I look down and it’s the Kama Sutra.

“Repeat after me. I, Brian Aidan Kinney, promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

“I do.”

“This is not a commitment ceremony, Mr. Kinney. Now please state your case.”

“I…”

“No, you didn’t. You never loved me. You never told me you loved me, and you just pushed me away.”

“Young man, we will not tolerate your outburst in this court. Now have a seat or I’ll have you removed.”

“Please continue, Mr. Kinney.”

I step away from the counsel table in the front of the courtroom and go to him, pulling him in to my chest. He’s crying and collapses in my arms.

“Your honor, I need a recess to consult with my witness.” That said, I move quickly into the little room to the side of the courtroom with Justin in my arms.

~~~~

God, he’s so beautiful dressed in that black sheer little belly dancer’s outfit. He simply wiggles his nose and the conference room is transformed into a beautiful suite with a great big bed. His eyes have already glazed over and he’s panting as he smiles up at me and flashes his very long fangs. Then he says, “I think maybe the vampire bit is a little over the top.”

I dive in and bite his neck which elicits a scream from him and then his breath hitches and all those little moans and sighs start purring into my ears. He has his hands on my cock and I’m so hard I think I might bust the seams.

He just wiggles his nose and I’m naked, lying on top of him. He rubs against me, creating the most incredible sensations. He’s still wearing the sheer black silky sexy balloon pants and I can’t help thinking I like the pants and the nose thing. The sixties really isn’t that bad of an era if you just add the sex back in. I wonder if he could wiggle his nose and make Michael's vocal cords go away.

“CUT.”

“That’s a wrap. You guys did great.”

Tony says, “Dan, Ron, I was thinking maybe next season we could give Deb a grandpa who lives in the basement and is a mad scientist. Or maybe we could bring Vic back as a talking car? What do you guys think?”

Brian comes over to them and puts his arm around Dan's shoulder and says, “I’m thinking we narrow the cast to Justin, Me and Cynthia. I’m a creative Advertising Genius by day and Rage, the Gay Superhero by night. Both day and night is filled with mostly non-stop porn with just a lot of costume changes of designer clothes that we get to keep. What do you think?”

The End


End file.
